Pretty Little Things: Action Figures We Quite Fancy.
Some of you might remember a cartoon from the early nineties called Bucky O’Hare. Most of you might not, because it was on air for about two seconds before being cancelled. The records note that it was ‘too violent’, and to protect (American) children, it was yanked off the airwaves.
Bucky, captain of the good ship Righteous Indignation, lead a rebellion against the evil Toad Empire to free his home planet of Warren, and the rest of the Aniverse, from tyrannical toad rule.
Bucky lead a posse of thugs and ne’er do wells, namely Dead-Eye Duck, a duck with half the regular number of eyes but twice the number of arms; Bruiser, a giant ape creature that the crew would simply point in the direction of the baddies and watch the limbs fly; Blinky, android first class and all-around tool; Willy DuWitt, so the kids could have someone to ‘relate to’; and finally first mate Jenny, Bucky’s girlfriend and all around sex-kitten.
And damn, she was a sex kitten in the literal sense of the word. You would be forgiven for thinking she was a rabbit, being Buck’s spouse and all. But nope, she’s a fine, furry feline. Strong, lithe, and with flowing hair you could get lost in, the writers knew exactly what they were doing when they unleashed her nubile form onto a young male audience.
They made a toy, but here’s the thing: It was never released! The line was pulled due to poor retail performance. I imagine Bucky and the crew sold all right, but half the line was composed of Toads, the baddies. Who knew that pre-teen boys would eschew playing with hunchbacked, warty toads over voluptuous female sex goddesses? What’s that? Everyone? Yeah, you’d be right. But executives at toy companies do not think like normal people. Forgive them and show them pity.
Jenny loses points only because the toy lacks any proper articulation, and they didn’t bother to paint her hair. But I find that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and looking at this chromed courtesan, I think of all the adventures we could’ve had; exploring alien worlds and each other’s bodies.
Fancy Rating: 3.5/5 – The fact that she’s unattainable makes her all the more desirable. Look into those green, sparkling eyes and weep at what could have been.