Toys that future generations will never know
#1: Attack Pack
Bidi-bidi-bidi! Greetings from the 25th century, my fleshy friends!
I’m here to write about toys. As far as I understand, these are inedible items given to children to keep them docile. They are often brightly coloured and resemble people or vehicles. If you wish to keep a child quiet, why not use the Restrain-O-Beam? If you want to give them a spaceship to play with, why not give them a functioning spaceship in the proper scale? You humans confound my processors! Bidi-bidi-bidi!
Here we have the “Attack Pack”. A squadron of vehicles that hide hideous organic features inside! What ferocious beasts! At first glance, they appear to be primitive Earth vehicles, but pulling on a lever reveals that they are not mere machines, but living organic creatures, with huge teeth and lashing tongues! What horror!
It seems that there are “good” and “evil” vehicles, and they all have suitably punny names such as “Taran-chewa” and “Splitfire”. Adam says he has fond memories of these toys – although never owning them, they made the toy store a brighter and more violent place.
According to Dr. Theopolis, these toys came and went rather quickly, and the world never saw their like again. Yet thousands of non-bestial toy vehicles are sold every day. Foolish children! Why spend your Earthen money on a single toy, when you can have the properties of two combined into one? Your folly never ceases to amaze me.
Anyway, master Adam said he’d give me an oil bath if I wrote for him. He’s a strange one – he insists on calling me “Flavor Flav”, despite my protestations and assurances that I am in fact a TWKE-4 Model ambuquad. I suspect he is malfunctioning. I shall have to replace his vocal circuits while he sleeps.
“Keep a child”