Pretty Little Things #4

Pretty Little Things: Action Figures That Make Our Tummies Go Funny.

#4: Samus Aran

"Dammit! Dropped my contact lens!"

“Dammit! Dropped a contact lens!”

Wow. Shiny.

What we have here is the lovely Samus Aran, presented by Max Factory. No, not Max Factor. I know she’s a lady, but something tells me the only thing that decorates this girl’s face is the blood and guts of her eviscerated foes.

For those not in the know, which is most of us, Samus Aran is a bounty hunter from the Metroid video games. Although she’s been around since 1986, she has very rarely been represented in physical, corporeal form. This action figure can be considered the first proper attempt; previous toys have been sub-standard to say the least.

The story goes that the young, orphaned Samus was given a “power suit”, a bio-mechanical armour that endows her with superhuman abilities, by the mysterious alien race called the Chozo. Of course, to the giant, bird-like Chozo, she was the alien. Anyway, they raised her as a warrior and when she was old enough, she flew the coop (arf!) and decided to protect the galaxy from evil.


Let’s take a closer look at the toy, shall we?

First of all, this thing really puts the ‘action’ in ‘action figure’. She can strike any number of dynamic poses. Articulated toes, dammit!  She really comes to life, it’s quite incredible. The range of motion in those joints is superb. And check out that metallic luster!

She comes with an extra set of hands, including a slightly patronising “thumbs up” for congratulating you on a mission well done, or perhaps for insulting people from South America. Also included is a replaceable tip for her arm-cannon, some laser beams, and a separate “morph ball”. You see, Samus’ suit is supposed to collapse rather impossibly into a small sphere, to allow her to explore caves and tunnels and such. The ball form is included as an individual piece, for obvious reasons.

"Sente-se no presente"

“Sit on this, amigos!”

Most female characters, in any media, are often huge-chested bimbos, bursting out of their skimpy two-piece thong bikinis for the scintillation of the male audience. Not Samus, oh no. She’s a real woman, and proves you can’t judge a book by its cover, especially when that book could blow you eight ways from Sunday or use its metal-clad fingers to pull your spinal cord out through your new bumhole. Of which you will have many.

She proves that it’s what’s inside that counts, and it’s almost arbitrary that underneath her steel skin, she’s a lithe and svelte Amazon. Of course, the armour is non-removable. If you want to see Samus au natural, you’ll have to buy another toy. Shrewd move, Max Factory.

Fancy Rating: 5/5 – Samus gets full points, the coveted five-out-of-five. Great sculpt, great paint, great articulation. Wonderful. I have always loved the character of Samus Aran, and this figure really brings her out of the game and into my waiting arms. Er… hands.

See you next mission!


“Scintillation of the male”


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