Top Toys With Twiki #2

Toys the like of which we will never see again

#2: USS Flagg (G.I. Joe)

They spelled "flag" wrong.

They spelled “flag” wrong.

Bidi-bidi-bidi! Greetings, fleshy ones! I write once more from the 25th century, ready to enthrall you with my comput-o-words!

This time, I bring to your attention the USS Flagg. It is a toy aircraft carrier from the G.I. Joe line, released in Space Year 1985. For any readers from the 25th century (Hello, Buck!) I should clarify that an “aircraft carrier” is a primitive type of Earthen vessel designed to float on water and carry aeroplanes. Aeroplanes are a bit like spaceships, but can only fly in one direction, and even then only in an atmosphere. My processors bleat mockingly in your direction, primitive Earth men! Bidi-bidi-bidi!

Anyway, I must purge my buffers of ridicule and make a serious attempt to describe the toy, or Adam will put me back in my storage unit.


This would NEVER float…

First of all, this toy is huge! I have it at precisely seven feet and six inches long. This, my databanks tell me, is unusually large for a toy of any kind. Indeed, you would find a smaller true watercraft before you found a larger toy. Although it must be said that the pretend humans included for use with the toy are woefully out of scale; at 3.5 inches, they are too large to effectively pilot the craft. However, if the ship were made to the correct proportions, it would be over sixty-five feet long.

The toy features a working elevator, launching missiles and an electronic PA system, allowing a child to broadcast his voice via a microphone and loudspeaker. It is also compatible with the “Skystriker” jet, and will accommodate it on deck with an arrestor cable. It is certainly a convincing facsimile of a real aircraft carrier.


Shipwreck and his seven identical brothers play with the happiest boy in the world

A toy of this size will never be sold again; plastic and petroleum prices will see to that. Well, that and The Polymer Wars of 2314. It seems a shame, almost. If I were programmed for sadness and melancholy, I would state that the USS Flagg is a symbol of a bygone time; in just twenty short years, the world changed so much. Never again will a child unwrap a present to find a toy ship larger than he is.

Fortunately, I am not programmed for sadness and melancholy. Only love. And hideous, body-mangling vengeance on those that frustrate me.

Good night! Bidi-bidi-bidi!

“Purge my buffers”


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