Pretty Little Things #5

5

Pretty Little Things: Toys I fancy a bit.

#5: Cadbury Caramel Bunny

Some of my tastes are a little odd. Eccentric even. But I know for sure that I cannot be alone on this. Cadbury is a part of everyone’s childhood – we’ve all enjoyed their tooth-rotting chocolate-flavoured vegetable fat – so when they introduced the Caramel Bunny in the eighties, it’s fair to assume that we were all exposed to her somehow. I think it’s also fair to assume that young men like me were perhaps a little smitten with her.

Possessing a full, curvaceous figure and a huge pair of tit… illating doe eyes, the Caramel Bunny wrapped herself in nothing but a large pink ribbon. She had a soothing Westcountry lilt, and in a playful, flirtatious way she would tell us to “Take it easy”.  At that point, most people would melt into a soft goo, much like the filling of the eponymous chocolate.

The ad campaign played up the sexy aspect of the mascot. I mean, her appearance alone was enough to suck your eyes out of your head and onto the TV screen. When these adverts came on, a silence filled the room as we all pretty much forgot what we were talking about, distracted as we were by her feminine wiles. Sound levels went down, blood pressure went up. It was all I could do to stop myself licking the glass – and not for a taste of delicious chocolate. Caramel bars taste like plastic. I knew it then, and I know it now. But damn, I’d take whatever Ms. Bunny gave me. I’d sip arsenic from a spoon if it meant we could sit in the meadow together.

According to a recent newspaper poll of the sexiest animated characters of all time, the Caramel Bunny comes in at #3, behind Jessica Rabbit and Betty Boop. I’d like to know exactly what part of the world was polled, as the people there are obviously nuts or are themselves animated characters living in Who Framed Roger Rabbit’s Toontown. Betty Boop may have been novel and alluring in 1930, but then so was animation. She looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid wearing an ill-fitting Felix the Cat costume! Gives me the shivers.

Anyway, this is Toy Meets World, so I best write a little about the merchandise.

A plush toy was produced recently and given away with Easter eggs, but it was pretty rubbish so I won’t dignify its existence and use up valuable server space talking about it. I did, however, manage to find a photograph of a different soft toy, of much higher quality. It’s a bit of a mystery, really. I have no idea who made it or when, and this is the only evidence of its existence that I can find. She appears to be holding a small length of chocolate (at least, I hope that’s what it is) and doing a Gus Honeybun impression – that is, sitting on a tuffet amidst some poorly-painted fake woodland. Your guess is as good as mine as to why there’s a brown Mr. Potato Head shining a torch at the ceiling, though.

I'd love some bunny-hops for my birthday...

I’d love some bunny-hops for my birthday… It was worth waiting nearly three decades!

I also found these small plastic or vinyl figures. They are legion, and represent the buxom bunny in a variety of poses. They look like the sort of thing that was given away with cereal, or maybe inside Kinder Eggs. The nightmare-spawning Cadbury Mini Egg parrot is there, too. Maybe they made him for the ladies out there? Do women find him attractive…? Next time I go outside, I shall adorn myself with bright plumage of many colours. It cannot fail.

Ms. C. Bunny - Awarded the Purple Heart for bravery and sexiness.

Ms. C. Bunny – Awarded the Purple Heart for her role in the Cadbury – Mars War of 1982

And finally, I found a picture of a life-size plastic model. I guess this must be inside Cadbury World or somewhere. I can only imagine the frequency with which this figure gets sexually violated. Wise move sculpting her legs like that.

Staff keep a soft cloth handy to polish away the fingerprints and mysterious fluids.

Staff keep a soft cloth handy to wipe away the fingerprints and mysterious fluids

Also, believe it or not, there was a Cadbury Bunny balloon! As in, a hot air balloon. Those Americans think they’re so hot, parading a giant Bart Simpson through the streets of New York city during Thanksgiving. We have a giant sexy bunny that flies over the whole country! Eat it, yanks.

Presented for your approval; the smallest Jpeg on the whole internet.

Presented for your approval; the smallest Jpeg on the whole internet

I remember hearing a lot about the fabled Sonic balloon, around 1992. Sega used to sponsor a lot of things at the start of the decade, so the construction of a ninety-foot Sonic the Hedgehog hot air balloon wasn’t such a big deal. However, the balloon itself only showed up at balloon festivals and things. Even then, the wind is a fickle mistress, so those attending could never be sure that the craft would actually fly. It was talked about in the playground, but never seen, like so many great things.

HOLY SHIT THEY APPEARED TOGETHER.

HOLY SHIT THEY APPEARED TOGETHER

Oh, one last thing. Cadbury (or at least the corporate entity that controls the facade) recently “revamped” Ms. Bunny, to bring her from the rustic Devon countryside and into the gleaming concrete jungle of the 21st Century. They achieved this by turning her bow around backwards, so it’s now a sort of sash that covers her neck and collarbone, thinning her out so she has skinny little legs and arms, and by giving her lipstick. Yeah, lipstick.

She looks like a whore, to be frank. Maybe it’s odd to get defensive over a cartoon bunny. Maybe the fact that I found her attractive in the first place is deeply troubling and misogynistic. But dammit, she was pretty, feminine and tasteful. I miss you, Ms. Bunny. You made the advert breaks bearable.

Fancy Rating: 5/5 – Maybe it’s just because I’m a guy. Maybe any girls reading this are wrinkling their noses in disgust. But I was quite taken with the purveyor of sticky treats. It wasn’t even like I had any sick, chocolate-covered fantasies, I was far too young for that. I just thought that the Cadbury Bunny was beautiful and sweet and enchanting. Then they ruined her by turning her into a lascivious size-zero tramp.

Bunny_strip“Amidst some poorly”

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5 comments on “Pretty Little Things #5

  1. Amusing read as always, good to see you back writing Adam. Nothing odd about finding animated/comic women attractive..I love Wonder Woman as you know, perfectly acceptable to me.

  2. And I remember the Cadbury bunny fondly, loved her voice!

    • aniblack says:

      Thanks for reading, Bruce. It’s nice to know that my attraction to cartoon characters has been ratified somewhat, haha! I was going to write a little bit more about Bunny’s sensuous voice, but I have long since known to whom it belongs in real life. No offense to the lady (OBE, no less), but I do prefer the svelte and nubile rabbit…!

  3. Angela says:

    I came across this by accident,as I have an bunny and I wondered if any one else did.My bunny was a promo which,as far as I know was for retailers only.I had a grocers and there was a promo where you saved vouchers or spent a certain amount on stock and you could choose a gift.I chose the bunny.She is still in pretty good nick!

    • Adam says:

      Thanks for reading, Angela! Accidental visitors to this site are always welcome – some people even make it out without going insane. Only some, mind.

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