You see folks, I’m not really a toy collector. In fact, “collector” is a dirty word around my house. I’m more of a toy lover (ooer!) – I just really like toys. Although I tend to stick to things that I have strong memories of, over the years I’ve managed to acquire a great many waifs and strays that just don’t fit in anywhere.
So this week, let’s take a look at some He-Man knock-offs I had when I was a kid. The main appeal of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, for me, was the uncanny characters. These guys, being cheap bootlegs, have no names or backstory at all. Let’s remedy that – I’ll just make it up as I go, and we’ll see if the fates are kind to these lost warriors.
From left to right:
Genie Big Head
A big fan of Arabian Nights, Genie Big Head thinks himself an actual genie and attempts to fight evil with his “powerful sorcery”. However, it turns out that a Paul Daniels Magic Kit and a ponytail does little to instill fear in one’s enemies, and Skeletor promptly turned him inside out. On disposing of his carcass, Skeletor found a small white dove concealed in Genie’s beard. Having a soft spot for animals (but a malicious hatred for genies) Skeletor named it Debbie, and it now lives happily in the Snake Mountain menagerie, along with a herd of Shadowbeasts and a large slime creature summoned from the depths of hell.
Half man, half tiger, Esso was nevertheless a gentle soul. He joined up with the Masters of the Universe for a brief while, but the constant fighting was at odds with his pacifist nature. He left on good terms to work for the Eternian Petroleum Company, and traveled the land attempting to sell gasoline door-to-door. Unfortunately for him, large cats are the preferred method of transport in most of Eternia, and these cats turned out to be both fuel-efficient and highly aggressive. He was mauled to death by Panthor, and his carcass turned into burgers for Skeletor’s henchmen. A ferocious battle with the Masters of the Universe took place the next day, as the evil warriors seemed to be emboldened and invigorated by the tiger in their tank.
Born with the face of a snake, Snake Face changed his name by deed poll when he was eighteen and painted himself green. Finally at peace with himself, he set about fulfilling a long-held dream of being a professional wrestler, and soon joined the Eternian WWF. However, he quickly realised that painting oneself entirely results in a Vitamin D deficiency and all his bones were broken during his first title match. Even the little ones in his ears. This figure represents his orthapaedic recovery, as it is without joints or movement.
Snake Face (II)
Fully recovered after his accident, Snake Face turned over a new leaf and set out on a pilgrimage to find what is best in life. With a new pair of wristbands and furry pants, he travels the continent, taking in the culture and meeting new people. Like all of us, he’s looking for love and wishes for a companion to join him on his journey. He enjoys long walks on the beach, WWF reruns, and robbing bird’s nests of their delicious eggs.
That is all. More to come next week, as much more insanity awaits sequestered in the stack of boxes that I sleep on. It’s not good for my back or my posture, but I had to choose between getting rid of the bed or the toys. It’ll be a cold day in Hades before I get rid of my Care Bears sheets, though.
“Ponytail does little”