As Stevie Wonder once asked – Isn’t He Lovely?
Egads! Something has gone terribly wrong with the Toy Meets World machine that usually cranks out these chauvinistic articles…!
I realised the other day that I always write about girls. This is because (after a brief but exceedingly thorough gynecological exam) I some time ago determined myself to be male, and a heterosexual one at that. It seems that in their infinite wisdom, the gods decided to make me attracted to the opposite gender, but not the other way around.
Anyway, it occurs to me that I may have female readers and they may one day grow bored of hearing about how much I like a toy’s boobs or fancy a cartoon bunny. To that end, I have decided to write about a male toy and how lovely he is. In what may be the first and/or last of a series, let’s start with the Transformer Prowl. Yeah, I know that robots don’t really have genders, but that’s a can of worms for another day. Onward!
Prowl wasn’t really in much of the cartoon, and didn’t really have anything to say or do in the comics until they were wrapping up in 1991. Strange, as he was one of the more popular toys. I was first exposed to Prowl in the 1986 Transformers Annual story “Plague of the Insecticons”. He was really dashing and brave, but then almost immediately does an impeccable porcupine impression by way of a shrapnel grenade. He fared little better in the movie, appearing for two minutes before getting a tummy full of laser beams.
Let’s take a look at the toy, then. This is a beautiful thing, that much is clear. He has… uh… broad shoulders! Girls like that in a guy! That’s why I narrowed all the doorways in my house by seven inches, to draw attention away from my unusually narrow profile. He also has big feet. Reeeeally big. Like, in real life they’d be size 350. Or 820 if you’re on the continent. And you know what they say about guys with big feet, right ladies? Eh? Eh…? They can turn into police cars, of course.
Like many animals of the male gender, Prowl is adorned with a mighty crest, on his brow. He uses this to signify his virility and ward off rivals. If that doesn’t do the trick, his shoulder-mounted missile launchers usually do. Infuriatingly, the toy doesn’t come with his ‘real’ weapons – you have to buy two toys from Amazon Japan, and they come with one launcher each. A pretty pathetic way of ensuring people buy more product, really. What’s next? Maybe someone will sell He-Man without his sword, or the Batmobile without any bloody wheels.
In vehicle mode, Prowl is a perfect imitation of a Datsun Fairlady police cruiser. In Japanese deco, of course. This is rather at odds with the words “Highway Patrol – POLICE” on his doors. A compromise for American and Japanese markets, I suppose. He’s in scale with Optimus Prime, and can be easily inserted into his trailer. In fact, Prime can take two Transformers at once! (*cough* *splutter*)
In truth, though, that just reveals the one and only downside to this otherwise perfect toy. He’s really small. Much smaller than the previous Masterpiece toys, and smaller still than the earlier “Alternators” toys – they were scale, licensed vehicles with similar transformation schemes and engineering, but twice the size and less than one-third the price. Hasbro want about £70 for Prowl and his ilk. I love Transformers, but I’d sooner get the GoBots tattooed over my face and clean Ban-Dai’s toilets with my tongue before I paid that.
Fancy Rating: 4/5 – Prowl is a beautiful and amazing toy, and a fine specimen of robotic manliness! I come over all funny, then I see that jaw-dropping price and my blood cools faster than, uh… an ice cube wearing shades, drinking a Slush Puppie.
I like men now.