#5: Virtual Reality II Turbo
Games are great, aren’t they? As Sega’s marketing husks once told us, games teach us to think on our feet and take our chances. So, to that end, I once again jump into and back out of the virtual world, ready to face the challenges of real life with the things I have learned!
Let’s put gaming tactics to the test!
#1 You don’t need a job! Live a life of freedom as a Pokémon trainer! (Pokémon)
Pokémon is wonderful. People are always generous and pleasant, children are precociously wise, there’s no busy roads or urban decay and any dispute at all can be solved with a Pokémon battle. I would straight-up sell my house and my left testicle to live in the harmonious Pokémon world (otherwise known as rural Japan). Fortunately for my baby-making parts, this time I’m bringing the Pokémon world to ME!
I set out early to capture a squad of vicious beasts to be my loyal companions. I needed to stay faithful to the games, so I used my trusty Tiger Electronics Pokédex to identify any likely real-world candidates. Before long, I had assembled the following team:
Caterpie – A fuzzy caterpillar I found on the garden path. He’s a lot smaller than your average Pokémon, but makes up for his diminutive stature by being incredibly poisonous.
Pidgey – Again coming in a little smaller than most, Pidgey was pretty close to the genuine article. His quick and birdlike movements disturb me.
Pikachu – A rabbit seemed the best choice, being morphologically similar to Pikachu with his long ears and fat tummy. The issue of colour was solved with some Dylon and a plastic bucket. One car battery later and he’d mastered electricity as an offensive weapon.
Ninetails – I’m just lucky that so many Pokémon are based on real animals. The crafty urban fox that visits our garden has made a perfect substitute. He’s lacking a few tails, but it’s nothing some safety pins and a butcher knife can’t solve. Cats don’t need tails to live, right?
Rapidash – This one proved to be the most difficult to acquire. Some sugarcubes were enough to get him from the paddock to my house, although the little girl that was attached to his withers proved hard to dislodge. What a crybaby! Fact of life, kid, if your daddy can buy you a horse then you’re too rich to have problems. Suck it up.
Success? – It was really difficult to get my team to stay together – they were very prone to wandering off. I was in the Scouts as a kid, so I learned how to tie things up pretty good; some knots and sheep-shanking quickly solved the problem. I strolled around the block like the world’s craziest dog walker for a while, searching for other Trainers, or just anybody at all to challenge to a battle.
Long story short – Pidgey flew away, Ninetails ate Pikachu and was then promptly stomped by Rapidash. He went his own way, towards pastures new. Or the glue factory. The only one who remained at my side through the whole ordeal was Caterpie. A truer friend and companion I could not wish for. After giving him a congratulatory hug, my arms swelled to twice their usual size, like Popeye, and I went into anaphylactic shock. It’s a long road to becoming a Pokémon Master.
#2 Become a bounty hunter and explorer extraordinaire with an exo suit! (Metroid)
Aha! This one should be fun. I’ve always fancied a life of high adventure and derring do!
After constructing a suit of armour from Earth’s finest cardboard, I set off to the unexplored wilds of Devon, seeking a bounty to hunt and Space Pirate schemes to foil. Although I did have the more pressing matter of gender to see to. Rather uniquely among armoured intergalactic warriors, Metroid‘s Samus Aran is female. Some duct tape and a My Little Pony training bra later, and I was passably gynoid.
After a long afternoon of fruitless searching, I hadn’t found a single antechamber full of alien weapons or even a cave system crawling with hostile life forms. What’s an intergalactic
hero heroine to do? My costume was beginning to get a little soggy, so I headed towards signs of civilisation.
Eventually I came across some people selling dodgy DVD copies of Guardians of the Galaxy from a folding table in a car park. That sort of makes them Space Pirates, right? In a way…? After a fashion…?
Well, they’re dead now. I handed their corpses in to the Galactic Federation. Well, it was actually the Federation Against Copyright Theft (F.A.C.T). I got their address from my VHS copy of The Lion King. The postage was a killer! Who knew that five guys and a pasting table would be so heavy?
Success? – By the end of the day, my exo suit had fallen to pieces and I was experiencing serious chafing around my vaginal area. Parcel Force took their cut of my bounty (which was exactly zero, by the way. There’s no reward on DVD pirates, not even from F.A.C.T) so now I’m overdrawn on my current account and have been severely fined. There’s just no justice in the world anymore.
That’s all for tonight! If I’m ever released from prison, be sure that I’ll be back to try more virtual reality techniques in our so-called ‘real world’!
Life’s a game!
“Nothing some safety”