I’ll come clean; I thought up the title of this article before writing it. I was thinking about how overtly sexy some video game characters are, and how they tend to be anthropomorphic animals. Once I had the title the words just sort of… materialised. A quick Google search revealed massive amounts of “fan art” (cough cough) dedicated to these furry females, so I’ve included some of that, too. Humorously censored with Adam’s Choice™ My Little Pony, you understand, because this isn’t that kind of blog.
There’s some useful information, some nostalgia, and some filler. Hold your breath… we’re going in!
Long, long ago in Ye Olden Days, British developer Rare were making a game for the N64 called Dinosaur Planet. We followed this game’s progression with interest until one day it disappeared in a flash of light and a cloud of blue fur. But a couple years later, it came back – on the GameCube – and it had “Starfox Adventures” written on the box. Don’t let that fool you, though, as it was the same game.
Rare knew exactly what they were doing when they unleashed Krystal the fox into the world. Just look at how she’s dressed! Have you no shame, Rare!? Legend has it they have a statue of her in the lobby of their headquarters. Mind you, legend also says they have a giant octopus in the pond out front, so take that with a pinch of salt.
She’s sexy with a capital “F”, and it’s a crying shame that she’s only playable in the game for the very first level. Desperate for more Krystal action, I typed her name into Google one fateful day, and that’s how I found out what “furry” means. It means you draw lots of pictures of animal-ladies in the nip, then cry about it. What a world!
#2 COCO BANDICOOT
I have a bit of a soft spot for ol’ Crash Bandicoot. He appeared on the Playstation some time in 1996, and his first game was a bit crap, like most games on the Playstation in those pioneering days of 3D platforming. Two of my friends had it, and made me watch them play. Just watch, mind. Bastards.
The game wasn’t much to write home about; Crash did a sort of Tasmanian Devil impression and spun around like a tornado. Some levels were viewed side-on like a traditional platformer, others were more into-the-screen affairs. There were mangoes aplenty to be collected and wooden crates to smash. Coco first appeared in the sequel, and was subsequently playable in the third game that had her riding a tiger through Beijing just like Lady Godiva… uh, didn’t.
The games were quite sweet, really. They got pretty weird towards the end. Infamously, there was a Crash game released on the Game Boy Advance alongside a Spyro the Dragon title. They turned out to be the exact same game, just with the characters swapped out.
Coco is especially easy on the eyes, unlike Crash, and for that I am grateful. She’d get a bit sexed up for later installments, making me yearn for those more innocent, tiger-riding days.
#3 CARMELITA FOX
I’ve never actually played a Sly Cooper game, so I have no idea what they’re about. From what I can gather, Sly Cooper is a thief of some kind, and Carmelita is a police officer on his tail. She’s quite the looker: a voluptuous femme fatale. Perhaps Sly and Carmelita have a Robin Hood / Maid Marian thing going on. I bet you dollars to doughnuts they do.
Perhaps I should have picked a character from a game I actually played or cared about. Anyway, the game must’ve been pretty popular to warrant three sequels, and the malevolent entity The Internet seems to have a thing for the characters.
Is it socially responsible to have a game where you play as a thief? What’s the lesson, there – ‘Remember kids, turn to a life of crime and incredibly beautiful women will hunt you like a dog. Or a raccoon for that matter’.
I jest, of course. Games is games. People complain these days about Grand Theft Auto turning their murderous, wretched kids into murderous, wretched adults, but no-one ever complained that Tetris turned anyone to a life of brick laying.
BONUS! #4 PETER PUPPY
I had to put a guy in for the sake of gender equality and all that, but being of the heterosexual persuasion I had some difficulty choosing a candidate. Sonic? Nah, there isn’t enough eye-bleach in the whole world. Gex? Nope. Bubsy the Bobcat? Definitely not.
So I went for Peter Puppy from Earthworm Jim, because he’s cute and inoffensive. That said, I could only find one bit of fan-art on the entire interwebs, and it was shocking.
Peter appeared only briefly in the games, during the “Puppy Love” bonus round in EWJ2. I can’t play that stage, y’know. It’s hard as shit, of course, but those puppies get me right in the feels. I can’t bear to drop a single one. It’s heartbreaking. Their little faces and floppy bodies are enough to give even the blackest, coldest heart reason to beat again.
In the event that you drop too many puppies, Peter turns into a murderous demon from Hell and horrifically mutilates you in an act of vicious parental retribution. For the cartoon series, they gave him a little green shirt to wear and a pair of shorts to cover his doggy modesty. He’s Jim’s sidekick, acting as a sort of foil to his partner’s insane schemes and excessive personality.
That cartoon was class, and I miss it dearly. Earthworm Jim was a bit of a flash in the pan, but it was bloody brilliant while it lasted.
Well, that’s a wrap. Hope you’ve enjoyed reading. Visiting times at the Institute for the Mentally Disturbed can be found on their website. It’s lonely here. Bring chocolates, and if you can wrangle it, a Betamax.
That is all.
“Made me yearn”