Jurassic World Review: No Spoilers, No Bullshit

#1 in a series of 1, TMW presents a no-bull, spoiler-free review of Jurassic World in an easily digestible, concise form. May be taken orally or anally as desired.



  • Jurassic World is built on Isla Nublar, the location of John Hammond’s first Jurassic Park. This is, notably, the first time we’ve seen the island on film in 22 years.
  • It actually looks like a real theme park. Like a super-duper Disney World or something. It’s utterly convincing, and you’ll feel like you’re actually there.
  • Chris Pratt is no Sam Neil, that’s for sure. But his character isn’t half bad. He fits.
  • The dinosaurs are presented as animals. Some gentle, some vicious, but animals all the same. Various characters argue over their treatment and the moral implications of creating them throughout the film.
  • Some of the dinos will get you right in the feels.
  • BD Wong returns as Henry Wu, and he’s great. He quotes a few lines of dialogue from the book, and in doing so soothes the rages of the hardcore JP fan over the film’s premise. I was astonished that they thought to include it.
  • The kids are great.
  • Indominus Rex will probably give you nightmares.
  • There’s some really nice stuff they put in just for the fans. You’ll do a little wee in your pants.
  • People get nommed in some pretty cool, gruesome ways.


  • People get nommed in some pretty stupid, gruesome ways.
  • See those cool toys on the shelves at the moment? Of the awesome hybrid dinosaurs…? Yeah, they’re not in the film.
  • Towards the end, most of the dinosaurs become ‘movie monsters’, making the previous circle-of-life, animal-rights speeches sound like a load of bollocks. But we knew there was gonna be some Godzilla-type stuff in there, let’s not kid ourselves.
  • The dinosaurs are intelligent enough to communicate with each other. Awesome, right? NOT WHEN THEIR MOUTHS MOVE LIKE THEY’RE TALKING. Do these people take us for idiots!?
  • I can’t remember anyone’s name. In the credits, the characters are listed as having first names only. That’s weird. It’s like they didn’t want us to remember.
  • There’s no special bit after the credits. I stole a poster and a bucket of popcorn on the way out as recompense.


Jurassic World is brilliant. Several times throughout the film, I found myself saying “Adam old boy, this is the best thing you’ve ever seen.” I laughed, I jumped a little from the scares, and I even had a bit of a cry when the classic theme came on. The only time the spell was broken was when the dinosaur ‘talked’.

But even that can’t spoil it for me. Four out of five.



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