TMW Special: Top 5 Moustaches

Here at TMW, we’re all crazy. But the fun kind of crazy, not the sad kind. Well, we’re still getting Adam tested, so don’t quote us on that.

Always one to take a joke way too seriously, and tenacious enough to see it through to conclusion, Adam went ahead and actually wrote a list of the top 5 moustaches in popular culture. Between working a real job and writing for this website, we’re amazed he still manages to squeeze in just eight hours a day of looking at pony bums on the internet. What a champ.

#1 iCarly’s Squirrel

Children’s TV show iCarly took us all by surprise at TMW Towers by being a complete riot. Perhaps there’s hope for the younger generation, yet. It’s a sitcom following the young Carly and her friends as they deal with the dual pressures of teenage life and the troubles of producing a comedy show for the web.

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A recurring skit sees Carly, as an idiot farm girl, mistake a cowboy’s moustache for a squirrel. It’s a really lame idea, which is why it’s so funny. Hearing best friend Sam put on a southern drawl and yell, for the tenth time, “Dammit, gurl! This ain’t no squirrel! It’s mah musselstash!” just cracks me up. They even did this bit for American talk-show host Jimmy Fallon. Truth!

#2 Ransik’s Circle-beard

The villain of Power Rangers Time Force, the mutant Ransik is the rarest of baddies – one who sees the error of his ways and turns over a new leaf. For most of the series, he flip-flopped between being genuinely terrifying and entertainingly hammy. However, in the final episode he accidentally shoots his daughter, so blinded with rage was he that he mistook her for a member of Time Force.

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Relieved that she’s not seriously hurt, Ransik turns around to face the Rangers, holds out his arms and says “I am ready to pay for what I have done.” It’s touching, and stands alone as the only proper conclusion to the long-running series.

I don’t have the ability to grow face fuzz like this. It’s just not in my genes. I suppose I could have a crack at altering my genetic code… but then I could become a crazed mutant and try and take over the world. History repeats itself!

#3 Wreck-Gar’s Bootlace n’ goatee

Wreck-Gar is one of those love ’em or hate ’em characters. First appearing in Transformers: The Movie, you probably didn’t understand a bloody word he said, cursed as he was with a hideous verbal tic that meant he only spoke using popular TV catchphrases and cliches.

Wreck-Gar is super, 'stashing, great!

Wreck-Gar is super, ‘stashing, great!

It was pretty dumb, but Wreck-Gar himself became a fan-favourite despite his quirks. He was a staple character in the cartoon series and comic books, wherein his moustache was constantly smoldering like a gunpowder fuse. He also had a “British mode”, as kids living in blighty in the 1980s probably weren’t familiar with I Love Lucy and quotes from American game show hosts.

If you grew a moustache like this in real life, it would inevitably get caught up in the office shredder or something, and people would shout “Fu Manchu” at you all day long. Not worth it.

#4 Higgins’ Gable

Ah, Higgins! The epitome of sophistication. He was a gentleman and a scholar, and because of this wins a place on this list instead of Thomas Magnum, the more obvious choice.

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Selleck is clearly the alpha twin, here.

Higgins is the foil to Magnum’s maverick ways and caretaker of the enigmatic Robin Masters’ estate. A long-running gag in the TV series hints that Higgins and Masters are one and the same. The truth is lost in the mists of time, so we’ll never know for sure.

With the moustache comes the snobby British accent. A fair trade – living in the Westcountry, I have the gentle lilt of an enchanted scarecrow.

#5 Peter Cullen’s Pushbroom

Peter Cullen is a real man. You can picture him driving a big lorry or laying railroad tracks. He’s the one true voice of Optimus Prime, and it doesn’t get more manly than that. He’s also a proper gent, and deserves your respect and/or admiration.

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Peter appealed to director Michael Bay whilst making the Transformers movies to tone down the violent, murderous rage expressed by Optimus Prime. He said that Optimus was a role model for children everywhere, and shouldn’t be portrayed as a killer. Michael told him to go and stuff himself. Well done, Mike.

You need the deep, gravelly voice to pull off lip-warmers like this. In real life, I sound more like Spongebob than Optimus Prime, so I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Besides, rumour has it that Cullen’s moustache didn’t grow, but was given to him by the gods when he was still in the womb.

Honourable Mention: Dr. Robotnik’s Walrus

Dr Robotnik was inhumanly grotesque, but kids loved him. A bumbling oaf who apparently ruled the world yet never seemed to do any actual harm, you couldn’t help but feel a little bit sorry for him when Sonic brought his schemes tumbling down. He’s pictured here in his Saturday morning cartoon incarnation where he was voiced by the late, great Long John Baldry. Let the heartache begin.

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“Ahh, the pingas thing finally blew over!”

“Farm girl mistake”

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